How did I get here....

How did I get here again

where the blood flows so swiftly

I told you I wasn't sure if I was ready

you enticed Me anyway

55 things about Me

55 Things about Me

1. I worked at Interlochen Nation Music Camp back in the summer of ‘84. I was in a terrible car accident heading back up north one weekend, where My head went through the wind shield.

2. I am a mother to two wonderfully strong young men.

3. I have been a professional cook for over 25yrs.

4. My favorite foods to cook is Mexican and Southern

5. I have been to the top of Pike’s Peak in Colorado

6. I love camping

7. I grew up on the back of a motorcycle. Mom had a bike, I’ve been riding since I was 6yrs old.

8. I’ve been to the Womyn’s Festival in Hart, Michigan

9. I love laying in bed with the boys watching karate movies and munching on snacks.

10. I am 420 friendly

11. I love to create new dishes, food is a passion of Mine.

12. I love country boys and country music

13. Going to concerts is one of My favorite things to do.

14. I love PBR (Professional Bull Riders-not the beer)

15. I suffered a terrible spinal injury back in ‘04 that left Me in bed for 18months. Which I had no outside family help with, so My boys skipped school a lot to stay home and take care of Me.

16. I have 3 pairs of cowboy boots

17. I collect concert t-shirts

18. We use to raise Great Danes when I was younger, and would show them in AKC shows.

19. I grew up in a lesbian lifestyle, I have never seen My mom with a man.

20. I love bubble baths, with rose petals is even better.

21. What doesn’t kill Me, makes Me stronger.

22. I believe in karma

23. I am obsessed with Vampires

24. I’m addicted to tattoos, My newest one is Vampire bite marks on My neck.

25. I dream of a Poly house, and My own dungeon.

26. I am not shy about who and what I am. Like it or lump it.

27. I love to read. Romance, erotica, and anything by Anne Rice.

28. I can be romantic and gentle, but why bother when being sadistic is so much more fun.

29. I have a thing for blood

30. I use to have a corset piercing on My chest

31. I’m teaching Myself how to play guitar

32. I had a job cutting down trees one summer

33. I use to work in a slaughter house on the kill floor. We knocked on an average of 1200 cows a day.

34. I have a very perverse sense of humor

35. I stared college 3 months after having a cervical spinal fusion.

36. I graduated from college in ‘06 with a degree in Massage Therapy

37. I’m expecting My first grandson the first part of January 2011.

38. I am fiercely loyal when it comes to My friends. If they need help hiding a body, they know I’m the girl with the shovel

39. I have the best friends on the planet

40. I belong to WBMC of Kalamazoo (Wild Bunch Motorcycle Club)
Being property in a men’s club is a big pill for Me to swallow

41. I love the sound of My children laughing

42. I love gardening, and always have fresh vegetables and flowers in the summer and fall months

43. I need more land

44. Back in the 80’s I was very punk rock and looked like Sid Vicious

45. I use to be a skater girl

46. I have been nude modeling since I was 16

47. I love hiking

48. I’m a cutter, but have NOT cut in over 9months

49. I use to live in Ludington, 5 blocks from lake Michigan

50. I was in a very abusive relationship for almost 7 yrs. My children witnessed a lot of it.

51. My mouth does not have a filter (Beware!!) Not true, only about half of what I think actually makes it out of My mouth.

52. Spent one summer working odd jobs. Had to use a jack hammer and break up a in ground pool, and filled it in with dirt.

53. I am a natural blonde.

54. I firmly believe that cowgirls need more than an 8 second ride.

55. I am terrified of heights. (Like it really freaks Me out!!)

Bike ride

"Are you staying for breakfast?" i ask from the kitchen.

"Nah", grunts back the reply as he lumbers out.

That's probably good, i thought to myself. He provided my Goddess with some fun that she seemed to enjoy last night and he did have a nice cock. However, i doubted that my Diosa would have any future interest him. i finished cooking breakfast and placed it on a tray.

i knocked on Diosa's open door and she beckoned me in. "Good morning my Diosa. i have brought you breakfast."

"Good morning My pet. Put it on the table. you are a good boy". She smiled as she reached under the tray and gave my cock and balls a firm squeeze of ownership". It’s a beautiful day outside. Get the bike ready."

i nodded "wonderful idea Diosa. Shall i prepare a picnic lunch for us?" i prepared to take my leave.

"Yes, that is a nice idea but first come to me My pet. i am not quite awake and want your help getting Me up and ready." Her hand reached out for mine. She pulled me towards her by the hand then let go and reached for my head. Placing her hand behind my head with one hand and pulling back the covers with the other, she guided me into her bed. Her right hand grasped my hair and she pulled my head down between her legs. She lay back in full relaxation.

i knew my duty all too well. It was a fantastic way to wake my Goddess to begin her day. i loved starting her day this way. my tongue and mouth began licking and sucking on her as she had taught me. Her pussy quickly responded and opened like a flower. its wetness like the morning dew. i served her with my own hunger. She was delicious. The arching rhythms of her body told me that i was performing well. i lost time as i brought her much pleasure. Then she squeezed her thighs around my head to indicate that she was done with me for now. i raised my head and wet face.

Nice, very nice My pet. Now go run my bath while i eat my breakfast".

i went into the bathroom and ran a hot tub for my beautiful Goddess. The tub was full by the time she finished her breakfast and entered the bathroom. i stood naked ready to greet her. i undressed her and helped her into the tub.

"My hair first", she directed.

i poured warm water over her head to wet it and then began to apply shampoo. i massaged her scalp as i worked the soap into her lovely hair. After rinsing it of shampoo, i applied a conditioner.

She had such wonderful hair and i needed to keep it well maintained. She teased me with it all the time. Many a time i would feel the sting of her crop, or the pinch of a clamp, or smart of hot wax then i would feel the softness of her hair brush over my body and take away all the pain. The fresh smell of her hair had a similar effect. i could always smell her hair as she approached me from behind to take her pleasures of me.

"Good boy", she exclaimed as i rinsed away the conditioner. "Now proceed with my torso".

i rinsed her shoulders and chest with warm water and then proceeded to sponge her shoulders. After washing them, i massaged them deeply. my Diosa relaxed back into the tub as i worked her muscles. Next i sponged her beautiful breasts. Her lovely nipples grew hard with my touch. "Kiss them", Diosa directed. i obeyed without hesitation. As i kissed them, she reached out from under the soap bubbles and with one hand she brought my face into her bosom. She slipped her other hand out and reached between my legs. Diosa took my cock and balls in her grip and massaged them hard between her fingers. i continued to suck her nipples until she pushed my head away and released my genitals.

"Play with yourself for Me while I soak", she commanded. i stood at the foot of the tub and took myself in my hands. i stroked my cock to it's full thickness. Diosa's smile suggested she was amused. i played my balls and stroked my cock's length for her. my breathing quickened.

"May i please cum for You my Diosa?", i begged.

"No, come back to me. You haven't finished bathing me".

i returned to edge of the tub. Picking up the sponge, i washed her tummy and continued down her body. While i had thoroughly cleaned her pussy with my mouth earlier in the morning, i still gave it a thorough wash. My erection began to ach as i continued bathing the rest of her body. i brought her bath robe and opened it wide for her to put on.

She squeezed my cock firmly, "you are a good boy. Get the bike ready while I dress."

"The bike is ready my Diosa", i said as i entered her chamber.

"Good. I am ready. Now you get ready too. Put these on." Diosa tossed her boy a pair of her red panties. "Let me see how you look in them.

Quickly i dropped my jeans and boxer shorts. As i stepped out of them my Diosa approached me. With one hand she grasped my cock and with the other she gave me a hard smack across my bottom. "Bend over across the bed" she instructed. i felt she open the cheeks of my bottom "hold them open for me". i held them wide apart and then felt her greasy fingers penetrate me. i breathed in deeply as she opened me inside. Then i felt the solid plastic replace her fingers. Diosa twisted and turned it into me. It felt like about three inches deep and wide. "you will ride with this plug in Your ass. Now get changed before i bring your firm ass to the same shade as the panties."

Soon i was dressed and we were both outside. Diosa climbed on the motorcycle and with her nod, i climbed on behind her, somewhat awkwardly. i loved going for rides with her like a dog enjoys a walk with his master. i held on around her waist as she steered out on the street. It was a beautiful sunny day.

W/we were soon into the country and traveling through farm fields. Riding behind her was very arousing. i felt like her bitch and everybody who saw us knew it. She loved it too. The combination of the engine between our legs and holding on to her stimulated us both. As i thought how lucky i was, Diosa turned down a dirt road toward a secluded river bank where she brought the bike to a stop.

"Lay out the blanket over there by the willow tree". i spread it out and poured a glass of wine. "Thank you" as she took the glass from me and sat on the blanket. "Undress for me, down to your panties", she smiled. Handing me Her knife, "cut me a willow branch". i did as i was told and brought it to her. She whittled away the leaves and bark to make her switch.
Diosa lay back comfortably on the blanket in our secluded spot by the river and the big willow. On one side of her lay her carefully carved willow switch. On the other side she had stacked several of the smaller branches that she had whittled away in making the switch. She picked these ones up and walked to the river. She rinsed and soaked them thoroughly making them as nimble a cord. Then she returned to her seat on the blanket.

i had watched in silence and with curiosity. Diosa beckoned me towards her. "Undress to your panties", she directed. Obediently, i complied. "Stand in front of Me My pet, don't make Your Goddess have to reach". Diosa lowered my panties to the top of my thighs and took my cock in her hand. "Don't wiggle", she reminded me as she gave a deliberate twist of my cock.

Holding my cock at its base in one hand, she took the first nimble branch and tied it around the base behind the balls, the second one was tied with equal care to separate and raise the balls. The third and fourth were wrapped around the shaft. Her weave of skinny wet branches were tied as a cage around my limber dick. "Let's see how it all fits when you are full my pet". Diosa gently stroked my cock and balls. "your cock, actually My cock is beautiful. I love it", said Diosa. She slowly kissed and licked it inside of its woven cage. my cock thickened to its full strength and in so doing filled the cage. Its flesh pressed against the branches to be released.

"Diosa smiled. She was very pleased with her work. "Now, down on all fours for me", she ordered. i quickly obeyed. "Don't let that plug slip out of your ass", she reminded me. It was then that she picked up her hand made switch. Slowly and deliberately she planted it across my ass bringing intense stings of pain. i focused on keeping the plug inside me, knowing that if i lost it that punishment would be forthcoming. Diosa continued to stimulate my flesh as she dragged and swiped her switch across me. When she was satisfied with the beauty of my redness, she pulled the plug from my ass. "hmmm, a nice gaping hole for my next pleasure", she teased.

Within a few moments, i felt her hands separate the cheeks of my sore ass. The front of her lovely thighs pressed into the back of mine. The tip of her strap-on had replaced the plug. Diosa penetrated me slowly until she was well inside. Then grasping my hips as she thrust forward, she finished her penetration and entered me deeply. Her powerful stroked were deep and determined. i cried out in submissive pleasure "yes...oh yessss....ohhhh yessss....my Diosa..my Diosa... take me...take me pleeeesse....make me Your bitch....yesssss....my Diosa". She responded with equal energy and enthusiasm as she came to a great series of climaxes. my ass had served her well. She dismounted me and i struggled to regain my breath.

my breath came back quickly and i began to stand. i was stopped by Diosa hand in the small of my back. "I didn't tell you to get up. Now back down on your knees and stretch your arms forward". i obeyed. "Higher, raise your ass higher for me". As i lifted it for her, i suddenly felt the butt plug re-enter me. That was followed by a hard slap across my bottom as Diosa pulled my panties up. "Now get up and get dress, we have a long ride back home."

Soon W/we were under way. i held on to my Diosa waist. i knew she must feel my body pressed into her back as we rode as one. The engine between our legs stimulated us both. We were eager to get home. i hoped i would earn a release from my Goddess as my ball were laden with cum. i kept my focus on the plug as the vibrations threatened it to slide free. i knew if i lost it there would certainly be no release and more likely a sound cropping for my weak try.

i managed to keep it in place as we entered the driveway. The ride had indeed aroused my Diosa. As i unlocked the door for her, she grabbed my shoulders and pushed me up against the wall. She turned my head and Her mouth was upon mine. Without hesitation she drove her tongue into my mouth and kissed my deeply. Then She immediately directed me upstairs with an evil wink and dirty smile.

"Undress, i have a gift for you my pet." i dropped my clothes fast and stood before her naked. She now held a small box, about the size of a shoebox. "Open it" she said as she handed it to me. At first i thought it was a dildo as i pulled it out.

"Oh my Goddess...thank you" as i realized it was the cock cage that she had previously described. i was suddenly both excited and scared.

"Lie down on the bed" she ordered. "On your back". She knelt next to me and attached it to my growing cock. "I am going to use your tool for the pleasure it was intended. this will enable You to perform in both the manner and level that I expect of you."

She undressed herself. Her magnificent pussy was already very wet. She climbed over me wiping it over my face and leaving a wet streak for me to savor. Then she slid onto me. At first she rode slowly as she worked in it and took a strong position over me. Then her ride increased. i tried to meet her powerful thrusts and move to her rhythm. Her body was alive. She dug her nails into my shoulders as she sought greater leverage. Her breasts pumped and heaved as her red hair flew wildly. i bucked to meet her stride. Her mouth kissed and nipped at my face and neck. She drove herself harder and faster on me. The power and strength of her movement and body were incredible. Her thighs clamped tightly and her nails ripped my flesh as she reached orgasms in extraordinarily sequence. Exhausted and beautiful, she flipped her hair from her eyes and climbed off of me.

"you were a very good ride; especially as it was your virgin cage ride. I am very pleased with you my pet. you do have great promise".

"Please my Diosa ... please, please may i cum for You, my Diosa", i begged.

She ignored me as she climbed off my caged cock. She turned towards my feet and sat down on my face. i obediently began to lap away her wetness.

Diosa rocked back and forth on her boy's face. With each movement she ground her pussy into his face. his mouth was alive, performing as she had trained him. His tongue probed, messaged, and licked her pussy. Het wetness was constant and he consumed it as it formed.

She leaned forward and released his cock from its confines. Then revived it in her hand. It was quick to respond and appeared undamaged from its ordeal. It had withstood a very energetic and power riding.

Amused with its recovery, she leaned back. Now she focused on riding his face. She felt the wave of orgasm build within her. She thrust into his mouth and the wave crashed through her. She through her head back and released the energy in her lungs.

She climbed off his face. Like the cock, she wondered if it would be quick to recover. His skin was red, his eyes teared, and was flesh glistened with her juices that he had failed to swallow. She wiped his face with the sheet. She smiled and rolled over onto her back.

"Come to me" she said as she propped herself up on her elbows. "Climb on to my leg". i did as i was told. "As you are such a good little pet, I'm going to let you hump my leg like the doggy you are. I might even let you cum for me".

i positioned myself on her lovely leg. my cock was pressed into her thigh. i wrapped my hands around her waist. i nestled my head into her bosom. my eyes met hers and her smile told me to begin.

i humped her. my cock sliding over her thigh. it was thick and hard now. my balls were laden with a full of sexual teasing. "Please my Diosa...please may i cum for You."

She raised her knee into my ass. Her motion slid me forward on her thigh. "Now...now..cum for me this instant" she ordered.

i arched my back and pressed forward. i had no hesitation. i looked to her eyes and her eyes peered down to the head of my cock. Thick white gobs of cum spurted forward. Several streams followed with each thrust along her thigh. my cum splattered over her pubic area, pussy, and inner thighs.

i looked back up to her. Diosa had an evil grin. She ran her fingers through my hair. "you did a good release for your Diosa". her fingers made a second pass through my hair only this time she clenched a handful of it. She pulled me by the hair and pulled me of of her. She yanked my head down. "Now boy...clean me,,,clean every drop. i want you to lick me clean. unless you want a beating, be quick about it".

i immediately lapped up the drops on her thighs, then proceeded to the thick mess that had accumulated in her pubic area. Lastly, i lapped the lips of her pussy. As i prepared to raise my head, Diosa forced it back into her pussy. "You are done when i say you are done. Lick me, my bitch". Diosa held my face in place as she rocked, rolled, and bucked into a repetitive orgasmic stream. Eventually, her muscles relaxed and a slap across the top of my head indicated that i could come up.

"I am tired" she said. "Massage my shoulders until I fall asleep. It’s supposed to be another sunny day tomorrow. I might want to go for another bike ride."

Torn

While browsing FetLife the other day I noticed something on My ex mentor's page, he is considering a slave....My ex wife. Maybe it's just Me, but I think thats pretty fucked up and under handed.

I don't think friends should play around with others ex. Granted him and I parted ways, but I think it is still taboo. Maybe this was all part of his plan, after all I didn't know him 'that' well. I only asked him to be My mentor for her, because they were close.

My local bdsm community is so two faced, and it makes Me sick. I use to live by one rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Makes Me wonder why I continually try to be a good person, when others are just looking for a way to FUCK Me over.

Those days are over!!

Whats wrong with Me...???

I've been in a funky mood the last few days...God I want to cut so badly, am yet to find the courage to do so. I've been laying in bed for hours crying...picking out all the things in My life that I hate. The list grows longer and longer.

Why...why, why?? God I wish I knew the answers or even the how to find the solutions that would help. I have been FORCED into a life that I can't stand. Feels like there is no escape...Not for Me anyway...is this it, am I doomed??

I know what I don't want...to be a weekend wife, a fuck buddy, the house cook...the mediator for everyone around Me. I don't want empty promises... I don't want to be used, ignored, taken for granted, or over looked.

I want to run away, I want to be somebody else. I want to lay in a bath tub full of blood. I want... I want to be important to somebody.. I want to feel loved...

I want this fucking body to not betray Me... I want to be young and active again...I want to be consumed by passion and swept off My feet by love. A love that is unconditional in every sense. Not one that tries to change you but embraces you for who you are.

I am so terrified that My life is just this...just a sad pathetic shell of what I would like it to be....I wish I could just turn off My heart....or make others see if for the true beauty that it is...

A huge part of Me just wants it all to end, no more pain, no more disappointment, no more wanting some one who doesn't want Me.... Just an end to a seemingly pointless life.

Her song...

I set out to sea
without imagining storms
how would think
if the boat was my hope
And although the tide was very strong
I never lost my strength

I gave it my best
and the time the experience has left me

I loved what I could love
enjoyment of all in abundance
I enjoy life and I've never denied anything

I'm someone who learned to live
so without mysteries
need a moment to love
and forget what I have to forget

It was better that way
I never reproach
I have a heart to face me drunk Illusion
dreams that illuminates my senses
forces to build castles

I wanted to be as
and no one controls the soul

Love as I love ...

~ A Hopi Indian Prayer~

A local friend sent this to Me....This is for My brother Kevin Scott Varga on Death row in Texas. He has until May 12th, 2010 to live, before the Texas Death Machine claims another life.

Do not stand by my grave and weep.

I am not there I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

~ A Hopi Indian Prayer~

God must be laughing at Me

God must be sitting up in heaven laughing his ass off at Me. As if things couldn't possibly get any worse....They FUCKING do!!

My 18 yr old sister was just driving down Westnedge ave, when another car ran a stop sign and smashed into her....She luckily is ok, but My moms car is totaled.

The President from My bike club during a phone conversation told Me, "things could be worse"...They certainly do get worse, but what I want to know is when the fuck are they going to start to get better??

I mean really God, how strong do you think I am?? Facing all of this alone, newly divorced, just makes the struggle to keep My head above water that much harder.

What did I ever do to piss you off that badly that feel the need to put Me through all of this?? It makes Me doubt you, God, as well as Myself.

I surrender, you win!!! Just finish the job already...I'm done!!

A song that really hits home for Me

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fpKncoeF3g

My crazy life

God where do I start...???

There is so much death and loss in My life right now, I am feeling weak and very vulnerable.

My wife just up and decided that she didn't want to stay married to Me anymore...That devastated Me so badly, I don't think, or want to ever let anyone in again. She hurt Me more than anyone one person ever has in My entire life, and yet I still love her. I love her so deeply that if it came down to her life or Mine, I'd give up Mine in a NY minute.

She is/was My true love, My best friend, My partner in crime. There's not enough duct tape or super glue in the world to put this cowgirls heart back together again.

My brother said it best in his Death Watch journal:

"I think I'm more infatuated with being in love, than the idea of love itself."

I am not a bad person, a little wild, but wild is good. I was a good wife, an excellent lover, considerate.....everything you could want in a wife, but she still walked away. I don't get it, what's wrong with Me?? Am I that unlovable??

I just found out two days ago that My brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas for the last 10yrs, has been given an execution date of May 12th, 2110. We've already buried two of our brothers, do I have to really lose another one??

I can't make it down to be with him on the 12th, I don't think I could really handle seeing them kill him. So I have decided to go to grave site where My two brothers are have a candle light vigil, and wait for his spirit to come home to us. Today My brother has 13 more days to live.

I have to say this is truly the lowest I have ever been emotionally in My life...and I am all alone. I have a couple of friends, but none live in the state. So I sit here alone crying wishing for things I know damn well I can't have...

I'm going to transfer some of My other writings over to this site... Please keep reading.

My brother on death row, execution date May 12, 2010

I just found out that My step brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas is going to be executed this coming May 12th. I haven't seen him since his trial 10yrs ago.

I am so fucking speechless........

WTF?? WTF?? WTF???????? I JUST WANT TO fucking SCREAM...........

I had 4 step brothers, Phil pill died at the age of 6 from Leukemia, Richie died at the age of 18 doing a B.E. in Texas, he was shot. And now Kevy (Kevin Varga) Now its just Sean and I...heaven only knows where he is. I haven't seen him in about 6yrs.

Words from My brother Kevin.....PLEASE click the link and feel what a death row inmate is feeling. How his family is feeling, his sister....Me. I so wish I could put My arms around him right now.

http://minutesbeforesix.blogspot.com/sear…

Think I will just go to bed and cuddle My monkey and hope that it hurts less tomorrow. Though I know it won't, cause it means that he has one less day to breathe.

I will ALWAYS love you Kevin!!! ALWAYS!!!! In life and in death...

Forever your sister....BjH

An email I got on another site

Love this so much I just had to share.....

I found this email this afternoon in My in box, and it is so wonderful, I just have to share.....their name has been left out.

Your recent comment in BDSM & Romance tore at my Heart. I know that we don't have our Life Style focus in common, but I must tell you that you are an exquisite human being; don't stop being. Diosa, provide me the benefit of any doubt and just read what my thoughts are flowing to you. Or whatever reason, I am a messenger sent to you, now. There is life after death. I don't know what your story is, but it probably has to do with a person not treasuring your vulnerability, your preciousness, and yes even your unique bitchiness. No we don't know each other. I was just checking mail and then off to sleep. And your comment struck my heart. You are better than what ever happened to you; I sense it. You, dear woman are truly, Real; and to top that off (no pun intended) you are beautiful, naturally, genuinely beautiful; womanly, sensuously, erotically gorgeous.

Again, I thank this stranger for reaching out to Me. It means so much to Me that you did.

My callused heart

This almost 2wks old.

I originally wrote this in an emotional state. Now after a few days have past, and with the help of some amazing friends and My club family, I feel compelled to come back and touch up this writing.

I know I haven't always been kind in what I have written, but it's only because I did everything from My heart. That was the old Diosa. Thanks to therapy and Amen for meds :o) I have shed My old skin, and emerging a much stronger soul.

So I guess in retrospect I have to thank all of the people who ever hurt Me. My rapist, My children fathers, those girls back in high school who use to jump Me after school for being punk rock...

I am a Phoenix, emerging once again from the ash...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lot of changes have been made to this next part, plz read on....

Today is another new beginning....My wife left Me, divorced Me via an email. I guess I should be lucky it wasn't a text or a post it, LOL. But shocking as it may seem and contrary to My reactions in the past, I'm not heart broken, nor do I want to cut. I take My meds, and I am doing fine.

My heart has been broken soooooooooooooooo many times by her, that it now has calluses.

Thanks for f#cking Me over so many times in the past. Breaking My heart and letting Me down and always walking away when the tough got going. And now... it doesn't matter that you choose to walk away again...

This will be the LAST time I promise Myself that!!! A weight has been lifted off My shoulders. As for My heart.... It gets locked away tightly guarded, safe and untouchable.

I will gladly take My aggression out on the garden...

HFP thats what I am!!

(HFP=Happy Face People)

UPDATE:

I was relaxing at the WBMC last night, and got to thinking about all that went down yesterday. I couldn't help think about My oldest son's dad who took his own life almost two yrs ago. Devastating My son...

This situation kinda reminds Me of that, weird I know, but I NEVER claimed to be normal. Normality is highly over rated.

I think of his dad as a coward for not having the balls to man up and be a TRUE father to his two children. Now I think of her as a coward too, for not having the balls or back bone to stay and fight for the person who loved her completely and tried to change My life and the people in it to fit her. I won't make that mistake again!!

But hey, what can I do??? I'm going to keep going to therapy, because I am really liking the person I am becoming, and stay on My meds.

So I am dusting off the dirt, and keeping My head held high. I am a hell of a woman, and an amazing Domme....slaves are a dime a dozen... I am NOT!!

UPDATE:

Garden is looking GOOD!! :o)

Things that make Me LMAO or give Me chills

Hope you enjoy them....

[Must watch]
(http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v…

[Surprised even Oprah]
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF6YkCn8pg…

[Stupid belly dancer]
(http://www.wat.tv/video/pire-danseuse-web…

Biker code

I borrowed this from a friend.. Enjoy!!

It used to be that all bikers shared a common bond, an unspoken code of ethics and behavior that transcended words and was built on actions. There was never a bible written on this Biker's Code and there was no need for such. But the times are a-changin' and there seems to be a lot of new riders out there. These days the riders you see blastin' down the road are just as likely to be clad in shorts and sneakers as jeans and engineer boots. And the roughest, toughest-looking biker you pull up next to could be your doctor or lawyer and may be wearin' a Rolex watch under his leathers. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as these new riders learn the Code just as we old-timers did.

Being a biker used to be about using your creativity to take a basket case old hawg and using only grit and ingenuity, turning it into a one-of-a-kind eye dazzler, then risking your life on the asphalt on a bike you made yourself out of pride. Bikers wore leather and grease because they knew cagers would just as soon run them down as look at them, so they had to be intimidating. We were a breed unto ourselves with no union, no support group, and in many cases, no family (they threw us out). We had to make it in the world of our own, against all rules, against mainstream society, and against all odds. We survived and prospered because of the Biker Code and we never took shit from anybody. As an old scooter bro once said, "It's every tramp's job to school the young. How else are they gonna know a Panhead from a bed pan?" With that in mind, we bring you a primer on the basic two-wheeled Code.

Take heed, brothers and sisters, for our Code is a hallowed one filled with honor and loyalty, the likes of which have not been since the days of knighthood:

Don't take any shit Be kind to women, children and animals, but don't take any bullshit. This is an essential part of being a biker. It has to do with respect and honor. Anyone can be a quick-tempered fool. Be cool, stand tall and backup what you say with action.

Never lie, cheat or steal Another way of saying this is to always tell the truth. Bikers are always the greasy bad guys in the movies, but every real biker knows that his word is his bond. Your word is all you have in life that is truly yours. Guard it carefully and be something noble, for you are a true knight of the road.

Don't snitch If you see a wrong, fight it yourself, if you are about anything. You'll take care of problems yourself and never feel the need to snitch someone off. Snitches are the lowest life forms on earth, right up there with biker thieves.

Don't Whine Absolutely no one likes or respects a whiner. Another way to say this is hold your mud. Still another way to think of it is, "Don't sweat the small stuff" Most of life's little inconveniences work themselves out whether you whine or not. Keep your chin up, dammit! You're a biker, not some lowly snail..

Never say die and never give up Whether it's in a fight, a debate, or a business deal, no matter how bad it gets, a biker never gives up.

Help others When a brother or sister is broken down by the side of the road, always stop and help them. Even moral support, if that is all you can give, is better than riding on by. Remember life is about the journey, the ride, not getting there. You already are there. And don't just help bikers, show the world that we are better than our image portrays us. Courtesy costs you nothing and gives you everything.

Stick to your guns Do what you say you'll do, be there when you say you will. This is called integrity. This also goes back to standing for something. Like the song says, "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

Life is not a drill Yeah, this ain't no dress rehearsal. This is life -- go out and take big bites of it. You've got no time to lose and bikers don't stand around waiting for the party to come to them. You only go around once. Tomorrow you could be road kill, thanks to a chain smoker asleep at the wheel of his Caddy. Live life now, make the most of each moment.

All right, now let's review:

• You are a biker, a modern-day knight of the road.

• Protect the weak, walk tall and stand proud.

• Your word is your bond.

• Stick to your guns.

• Don't take any shit.

• Life is not a drill.

Now go forth and ride. When in doubt, ride. That's what we do...ride. If you want to ride around in a Day-Glo Hawaiian shirt and sandals, go for it, but if you intend to look like a idiot, at least don't act like an idiot. These commandments are just a few of the broad strokes, there is a lot more to being a biker than buying a bike. If you just buy a bike, you are a motorcyclist. Being a biker is a way of life, a proud way of life we hold in high regard with a burning passion for the open highway.

I'm alive

So damn easy to say that life's so hard

Everybody's got their share of battle scars

As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that

I'm alive, and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain

And all the dreams you set & watch go up in flames

Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain

But not for me, I'm alive

And today you know thats good enough for me

Breathing in and out is a blessing can't you see

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

And I'm alive and well

I'm alive and well

Stars are dancing on the water here tonight

It's good for the soul, and there's not a soul in sight

But this motors caught it's wind and brought me back to life

Now I'm alive and well

And today you know thats good enough for me

Breathing in and out is a blessing can't you see

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

And I'm alive and well

Yeah I'm alive and well

by Kenny Chesney

Kindred souls

While looking through My filling cabnet I found some of My old stories, and something a friend gave Me many yrs ago. Re-reading it again, I can see why I loved it and kept it for son long.. I'm not sure who the author is, but it is so beautiful I had to share.

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Kindred Souls

Searching: light unfolds a new day. Harvest moon. We seek the spirit of truth and a path unseen.

Together as one magical luminescence ignites. A new found delight, a miracle, touch is electric.

Spent, safe entwined. Feeling whole and complete. Dawn brings a new era of curious longing. Finally.

The leaves fall and the autumn sun droops toward the horizon. We hold each other, oblivious. The sun sets yet we rise.

Our dreams and dark secrets exposed, laid bare, naked. Acceptance? Rejection? Compassion? Forgiveness?

Yet throughout we laugh, we love, we embrace, we share. Our lives, bizarre are they are, somehow fit.

Time moves quickly when new love is found. Energizing. Trusting. Exploring. Testing. Unfolding like an orchid blossom long dormant.

Fantasies. Oh such young love is compelling. We trust our feelings, and probe, and explore.

Latin sounds, candles, incense. New aromas and golden earrings. Forbidden adventures delighting our senses. Bliss.

Sweat mingles with sex mingles with lotions and notions. We lay spent, uncaring about the world. No repent.

Blood stories shared with each other. Children, fruit of our loins, part of us. But strangely, distant. How to cope. Yet love.

Music, art, touch, healing. Sharing and grieving. In some ways still reeling. Past hurts inflicts upon innocent lives.

Darkness arrives as the winter solstice grew near. Evil spirits Conspiring through a lock of the hair. Logic dissipates replaced by hate.

Love struck asunder with a sickening blow. Unannounced. Unwanted. Yet history repeats and demons emerge.

One years, one learns. At different frequencies and at different speeds. Cold winds blow forth a chilling prophecy.

Now entangled with history and bemused at it all. Hurtful, and sinful, and reeking of stench from past transgressions.

She pauses. contemplative, perhaps foreseeing. The road less traveled is the road of achieving. Dream, or nightmare?

We show love in different ways. Reaching out. Crying. Not understanding. Yet understanding.

Bodies pierced and skin engraved with color. A physical connection. A metaphysical force trying to connect with spirit and flesh.

Yet it goes. Was the dream prematurely ended? Was the nightmare just beginning? Winter now grows dark and quiet. Enjoying its prey.

Why do we hurt those we love? Must love be vicious? Searching, you draw near. Yet distant. Detached.

Trust departs. The essence of friendship. Of relationship. Of caring. Must we always return the hurt?

Are others hurt because we hurt inside? What does the pain in our hearts, the tears in our eyes, the longing in our souls mean?

Eyes roll back in our heads, predatory sharks ready to attack. The kill comes so quickly.

Yesterday that time moved quickly with new found joy. Excitedly, each conversation yielded new truth.

Now we fight not to hate. But the solstice is upon us. Cold. Cruel. Oblivious to the pain. The devil in his element.

You cannot let me in. You will not allow it. Violence and blood from years past rules. The victim again.

Autumnal love vanquished with hopes for a new tomorrow. The cremains are found memories. Too short, Very sweet. Budding love ripped asunder.

Remembrances, tokens of joy gone awry. A photograph, a hug, black patch on an eye. A quick glance of knowing.

Hope springs on. We love, we live, we learn. We cannot get inside so we strive to survive.

Kindred souls alight.

My first 40 yrs

My therapist suggested that I do this, in hopes that I can get back on track.

My first 40 years….

My 40th birthday has come and gone, and it has forced Me to take a long and hearty look at My life. Looking at the pics from My past photo shoot I didn’t see that girl I was hoping to see. I saw a darker version of Myself. Some one that has seen more than their fair share of sorrow and pain, despair and heartbreak.

I was raped when I was 6 by My mom’s brother, it was My testimony that put him in prison for 13 years. He’s out now and living somewhere in Kalamazoo. My mom told Me he almost died last week…. That left Me weak for more than a few moments...

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 7 years. I was verbally and physically abused in front of My children, and I never told anyone until now that he raped Me too… Breaking away as a woman with two small children under the age of 6 was difficult and scary.

Back in ’04 I suffered a terrible spinal injury that left Me in bed for 18 months, and it effects My way of life daily. I wasn’t one of the lucky ones; I didn’t have family to help Me get through it. My boys would skip school to take care of Me. I don’t know where I would be without them… My love for them is beyond words; beyond space…They are all the good parts of Me.

I’ve had My heart broken so many times… It’s hard to think that it will ever heal again; that I could trust anyone again, or let anyone in. I’ve been lied to, beaten, raped, robbed, misled, and used, shit I've even been on the end of someone's Yo-Yo. I’m having a hard time thinking there are any good people left out there.

I use to see and witness goodness everywhere.. Where did that goodness go?? I want so badly to believe that that world still exists, that those people still exists. Sadly, I cannot pretend anymore. I’m not saying it was the action of any one person, but the combined efforts of the entire world as a whole.. Some of course effected/infected Me more than others.

Remembering back, I can still see the American who was kidnapped and beheaded on camera. I can still feel the intense fear and horror that came when I was watching the news programs on 9/11. I can still feel all the heartbreak’s I’ve ever suffered as if it were all happening again. The pain is still so real; I feel it trying to consume Me. But I refuse to let that part of Me win.

I also have to admit that I am a cutter. It's been a couple months since I cut. It tugs at Me daily, just one cut-and I will be okay. I am only fooling Myself, one more cut won't help, but would instead be My undoing. I know that I can't stop with just one, I wouldn't be able to stop until My body was consumed with cuts and blood dripping down My legs and arms. I'm not that girl anymore. I have to have control over that now. I refuse to let anymore blood slip away...

I’m growing older, and with that comes the realization that the world is not such a nice place anymore, like I had thought it was when I was younger.. You withdraw a little more, become a little more cynical.. a darker, more sadistic of a thinker..a sadder person. Because the world you have been living with your entire life, isn’t the same world you woke up to this morning.

I mean really, how long it takes the average person to realize who is going to hurt them, and who is being honest. I don't know…I know that I am not the average person. So it took Me a little longer than most to see who the liars are, who the people are who want to hurt Me, the people who want to build Me up with false hope only to watch it all collapse when they took that hope away.

I refuse to be the victim anymore. I refuse to let anyone close enough to hurt Me. I refuse to be a pawn in someone’s sick and twisted game. I refuse to be hurt anymore by people who are not genuine. Who don’t care who they hurt by their words and false hope. I refuse to be lied to anymore.

I refuse to be at the end of someone's Yo-Yo, always trying to get it right. Always failing. Being on a roller coaster, with it ups and downs, twists and sharp turns is not how I choose to live My life. I refuse to let what other people think of Me, dictate My life and how I live it.

So for My 40th birthday I am doing things differently. I am done worrying about everyone elses feelings above My own. I am going to stand up and fight anyone that stands between Me and My happiness. My happiness is just as important as everyone elses. I deserve it just as much as the next person. I will find it, even if it takes Me the rest of My life.

There are a lot of people who have never taken the time to get to know Me… It’s really a shame the world has jaded Me to this point, but sadly that is how it is. Now I am evolving and becoming something darker, something more evil, something more sadistic, within Myself….

1000 Miles

I really love this song, I think I have listened to it about 50 times just today.

It's morning time, wonder where you are wonder who you're talking to wonder if the sun has risen where you are it's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin this bed's too big without you oh god, what do i do? I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.

The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car a little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter, maybe my heart's too weak there's just this feeling, thought I had to get going got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here but now i don't know how to get home. oh god, what do I do? I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Mama says take my vitamins, daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late" sister says "there's other fishes in the sea" but love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice no, love is not a rational thing oh god, what do I do? I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

these fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt she used to tell me that "life is a series of strange and mysterious things one minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down" your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around" but your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees" oh god, what do I do? I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

By Jewel

Bliss

No need for regrets

For mistakes made yesterday

The past is gone

No looming fate

No uncontrollable destiny

No hunger

NO sickness

No fear

No death

Nothing ahead

Nothing behind

Just stillness

Light

Warmth

The pain W/we felt

The pain W/we may have caused others

It's behind Y/you

No looking back

No fear of what will come

Just the pulse of time

Invigorating

Soothing

Bask in My light

Take comfort knowing I am here

Y/you will never be alone

-V

I just heard that on one of My favorite shows and it touched Me deeply so I had to share..

My monster

Wow..... I've been waiting for this day to come since I was 7 yrs old. I am not even sure how deeply I want to let Myself go with this.

Even after yrs of therapy I still kept this part of Myself locked up in the farthest corner of My mind. My family always a constant reminder of My monster and a very terrible night many yrs ago.

Right now I have family rushing in from all over the country, for one of their siblings is on his death bed. I let out a sigh of relief.... I can't wait for him to take his last breath!! Watch him be put under 6ft of cold earth. That will be the end of him.

He took things from Me, did things to Me....that NO 6yr old should have to suffer through. Even at the worst of it, I stood tall and signed the warrant for his arrest. My testimony alone put him behind bars for 13 yrs.

HERE I AM.........33 yrs later, still strong.

There are a lot of emotions that go into this, this proclamation of anger, but out of all the emotions I will feel RELIEF will be the best one.

I will be able to walk down the street and not wonder if I am going to see you. I will be able to go visit all of My family here in town, because I will know you are not going to be there.

I won't have to worry about My children running into you and wanting to hurt you because of what you did to ME. W/we will all be safe.

So eat your last meal, say your goodbyes, and take your last breath..............

So I can take My first breath of relief in over 33 yrs.

That will be the end of you....

“The scars you acquire by exercising courage and becoming a champion will never make you inferior.” ~Claude Hamilton

Life; a poem by Me

I wrote this poem back in high school, and just ran across it again today. It very much reflects who/where I am in this long journey W/we call "Life"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life~

As I see it now, we are living in a wasteland of despair.

Hearts are broken and hearts are mended, but nobody really seems to care.

We are mainly stepping stones for those who are around us.

For those who are weak, they know they are destined to die.

For those who are strong, and have this knowledge will survive.

My brother on Death Row

I just found out that My step brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas is going to be executed this coming May 12th. I haven't seen him since his trial 10yrs ago.

I am so fucking speechless........

WTF?? WTF?? WTF???????? I JUST WANT TO fucking SCREAM...........

I had 4 step brothers, Phil pill died at the age of 6 from Leukemia, Richie died at the age of 18 doing a B.E. in Texas, he was shot. And now Kevy (Kevin Varga) Now its just Sean and I...heaven only knows where he is. I haven't seen him in about 6yrs.

Words from My brother Kevin.....PLEASE click the link and feel what a death row inmate is feeling. How his family is feeling, his sister....Me. I so wish I could put My arms around him right now.

http://minutesbeforesix.blogspot.com/sear…

Think I will just go to bed and cuddle My monkey and hope that it hurts less tomorrow. Though I know it won't, cause it means that he has one less day to breathe.

I will ALWAYS love you Kevin!!! ALWAYS!!!! In life and in death...

Forever your sister....BjH

A fatal car accident in Kalamazoo this past week

I knew him, and will be going to his funeral on Friday.

http://www.wwmt.com/articles/margin-13757…

I use to hang out with his sister Kelli, and then the his mom, and Adam moved in with My boys and I into a huge house I was buying at the time. Sadly Adam is gone, I just went through My hat box and found a few pictures of him with My boys from over 10 yrs ago, I plan on given them to his wife.

I am sending healing thoughts to his family, and wish anyone who reads this would do the same. His 20 month old daughter is still in ICU.