Thursday, April 29, 2010

My first 40 yrs

My therapist suggested that I do this, in hopes that I can get back on track.

My first 40 years….

My 40th birthday has come and gone, and it has forced Me to take a long and hearty look at My life. Looking at the pics from My past photo shoot I didn’t see that girl I was hoping to see. I saw a darker version of Myself. Some one that has seen more than their fair share of sorrow and pain, despair and heartbreak.

I was raped when I was 6 by My mom’s brother, it was My testimony that put him in prison for 13 years. He’s out now and living somewhere in Kalamazoo. My mom told Me he almost died last week…. That left Me weak for more than a few moments...

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 7 years. I was verbally and physically abused in front of My children, and I never told anyone until now that he raped Me too… Breaking away as a woman with two small children under the age of 6 was difficult and scary.

Back in ’04 I suffered a terrible spinal injury that left Me in bed for 18 months, and it effects My way of life daily. I wasn’t one of the lucky ones; I didn’t have family to help Me get through it. My boys would skip school to take care of Me. I don’t know where I would be without them… My love for them is beyond words; beyond space…They are all the good parts of Me.

I’ve had My heart broken so many times… It’s hard to think that it will ever heal again; that I could trust anyone again, or let anyone in. I’ve been lied to, beaten, raped, robbed, misled, and used, shit I've even been on the end of someone's Yo-Yo. I’m having a hard time thinking there are any good people left out there.

I use to see and witness goodness everywhere.. Where did that goodness go?? I want so badly to believe that that world still exists, that those people still exists. Sadly, I cannot pretend anymore. I’m not saying it was the action of any one person, but the combined efforts of the entire world as a whole.. Some of course effected/infected Me more than others.

Remembering back, I can still see the American who was kidnapped and beheaded on camera. I can still feel the intense fear and horror that came when I was watching the news programs on 9/11. I can still feel all the heartbreak’s I’ve ever suffered as if it were all happening again. The pain is still so real; I feel it trying to consume Me. But I refuse to let that part of Me win.

I also have to admit that I am a cutter. It's been a couple months since I cut. It tugs at Me daily, just one cut-and I will be okay. I am only fooling Myself, one more cut won't help, but would instead be My undoing. I know that I can't stop with just one, I wouldn't be able to stop until My body was consumed with cuts and blood dripping down My legs and arms. I'm not that girl anymore. I have to have control over that now. I refuse to let anymore blood slip away...

I’m growing older, and with that comes the realization that the world is not such a nice place anymore, like I had thought it was when I was younger.. You withdraw a little more, become a little more cynical.. a darker, more sadistic of a thinker..a sadder person. Because the world you have been living with your entire life, isn’t the same world you woke up to this morning.

I mean really, how long it takes the average person to realize who is going to hurt them, and who is being honest. I don't know…I know that I am not the average person. So it took Me a little longer than most to see who the liars are, who the people are who want to hurt Me, the people who want to build Me up with false hope only to watch it all collapse when they took that hope away.

I refuse to be the victim anymore. I refuse to let anyone close enough to hurt Me. I refuse to be a pawn in someone’s sick and twisted game. I refuse to be hurt anymore by people who are not genuine. Who don’t care who they hurt by their words and false hope. I refuse to be lied to anymore.

I refuse to be at the end of someone's Yo-Yo, always trying to get it right. Always failing. Being on a roller coaster, with it ups and downs, twists and sharp turns is not how I choose to live My life. I refuse to let what other people think of Me, dictate My life and how I live it.

So for My 40th birthday I am doing things differently. I am done worrying about everyone elses feelings above My own. I am going to stand up and fight anyone that stands between Me and My happiness. My happiness is just as important as everyone elses. I deserve it just as much as the next person. I will find it, even if it takes Me the rest of My life.

There are a lot of people who have never taken the time to get to know Me… It’s really a shame the world has jaded Me to this point, but sadly that is how it is. Now I am evolving and becoming something darker, something more evil, something more sadistic, within Myself….

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