Thursday, April 29, 2010

My crazy life

God where do I start...???

There is so much death and loss in My life right now, I am feeling weak and very vulnerable.

My wife just up and decided that she didn't want to stay married to Me anymore...That devastated Me so badly, I don't think, or want to ever let anyone in again. She hurt Me more than anyone one person ever has in My entire life, and yet I still love her. I love her so deeply that if it came down to her life or Mine, I'd give up Mine in a NY minute.

She is/was My true love, My best friend, My partner in crime. There's not enough duct tape or super glue in the world to put this cowgirls heart back together again.

My brother said it best in his Death Watch journal:

"I think I'm more infatuated with being in love, than the idea of love itself."

I am not a bad person, a little wild, but wild is good. I was a good wife, an excellent lover, considerate.....everything you could want in a wife, but she still walked away. I don't get it, what's wrong with Me?? Am I that unlovable??

I just found out two days ago that My brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas for the last 10yrs, has been given an execution date of May 12th, 2110. We've already buried two of our brothers, do I have to really lose another one??

I can't make it down to be with him on the 12th, I don't think I could really handle seeing them kill him. So I have decided to go to grave site where My two brothers are have a candle light vigil, and wait for his spirit to come home to us. Today My brother has 13 more days to live.

I have to say this is truly the lowest I have ever been emotionally in My life...and I am all alone. I have a couple of friends, but none live in the state. So I sit here alone crying wishing for things I know damn well I can't have...

I'm going to transfer some of My other writings over to this site... Please keep reading.

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