Monday, June 28, 2010


While browsing FetLife the other day I noticed something on My ex mentor's page, he is considering a slave....My ex wife. Maybe it's just Me, but I think thats pretty fucked up and under handed.

I don't think friends should play around with others ex. Granted him and I parted ways, but I think it is still taboo. Maybe this was all part of his plan, after all I didn't know him 'that' well. I only asked him to be My mentor for her, because they were close.

My local bdsm community is so two faced, and it makes Me sick. I use to live by one rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Makes Me wonder why I continually try to be a good person, when others are just looking for a way to FUCK Me over.

Those days are over!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Whats wrong with Me...???

I've been in a funky mood the last few days...God I want to cut so badly, am yet to find the courage to do so. I've been laying in bed for hours crying...picking out all the things in My life that I hate. The list grows longer and longer.

Why...why, why?? God I wish I knew the answers or even the how to find the solutions that would help. I have been FORCED into a life that I can't stand. Feels like there is no escape...Not for Me this it, am I doomed??

I know what I don't be a weekend wife, a fuck buddy, the house cook...the mediator for everyone around Me. I don't want empty promises... I don't want to be used, ignored, taken for granted, or over looked.

I want to run away, I want to be somebody else. I want to lay in a bath tub full of blood. I want... I want to be important to somebody.. I want to feel loved...

I want this fucking body to not betray Me... I want to be young and active again...I want to be consumed by passion and swept off My feet by love. A love that is unconditional in every sense. Not one that tries to change you but embraces you for who you are.

I am so terrified that My life is just this...just a sad pathetic shell of what I would like it to be....I wish I could just turn off My heart....or make others see if for the true beauty that it is...

A huge part of Me just wants it all to end, no more pain, no more disappointment, no more wanting some one who doesn't want Me.... Just an end to a seemingly pointless life.