Friday, April 30, 2010

God must be laughing at Me

God must be sitting up in heaven laughing his ass off at Me. As if things couldn't possibly get any worse....They FUCKING do!!

My 18 yr old sister was just driving down Westnedge ave, when another car ran a stop sign and smashed into her....She luckily is ok, but My moms car is totaled.

The President from My bike club during a phone conversation told Me, "things could be worse"...They certainly do get worse, but what I want to know is when the fuck are they going to start to get better??

I mean really God, how strong do you think I am?? Facing all of this alone, newly divorced, just makes the struggle to keep My head above water that much harder.

What did I ever do to piss you off that badly that feel the need to put Me through all of this?? It makes Me doubt you, God, as well as Myself.

I surrender, you win!!! Just finish the job already...I'm done!!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A song that really hits home for Me

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.....

My crazy life

God where do I start...???

There is so much death and loss in My life right now, I am feeling weak and very vulnerable.

My wife just up and decided that she didn't want to stay married to Me anymore...That devastated Me so badly, I don't think, or want to ever let anyone in again. She hurt Me more than anyone one person ever has in My entire life, and yet I still love her. I love her so deeply that if it came down to her life or Mine, I'd give up Mine in a NY minute.

She is/was My true love, My best friend, My partner in crime. There's not enough duct tape or super glue in the world to put this cowgirls heart back together again.

My brother said it best in his Death Watch journal:

"I think I'm more infatuated with being in love, than the idea of love itself."

I am not a bad person, a little wild, but wild is good. I was a good wife, an excellent lover, considerate.....everything you could want in a wife, but she still walked away. I don't get it, what's wrong with Me?? Am I that unlovable??

I just found out two days ago that My brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas for the last 10yrs, has been given an execution date of May 12th, 2110. We've already buried two of our brothers, do I have to really lose another one??

I can't make it down to be with him on the 12th, I don't think I could really handle seeing them kill him. So I have decided to go to grave site where My two brothers are have a candle light vigil, and wait for his spirit to come home to us. Today My brother has 13 more days to live.

I have to say this is truly the lowest I have ever been emotionally in My life...and I am all alone. I have a couple of friends, but none live in the state. So I sit here alone crying wishing for things I know damn well I can't have...

I'm going to transfer some of My other writings over to this site... Please keep reading.

My brother on death row, execution date May 12, 2010

I just found out that My step brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas is going to be executed this coming May 12th. I haven't seen him since his trial 10yrs ago.

I am so fucking speechless........

WTF?? WTF?? WTF???????? I JUST WANT TO fucking SCREAM...........

I had 4 step brothers, Phil pill died at the age of 6 from Leukemia, Richie died at the age of 18 doing a B.E. in Texas, he was shot. And now Kevy (Kevin Varga) Now its just Sean and I...heaven only knows where he is. I haven't seen him in about 6yrs.

Words from My brother Kevin.....PLEASE click the link and feel what a death row inmate is feeling. How his family is feeling, his sister....Me. I so wish I could put My arms around him right now.…

Think I will just go to bed and cuddle My monkey and hope that it hurts less tomorrow. Though I know it won't, cause it means that he has one less day to breathe.

I will ALWAYS love you Kevin!!! ALWAYS!!!! In life and in death...

Forever your sister....BjH

An email I got on another site

Love this so much I just had to share.....

I found this email this afternoon in My in box, and it is so wonderful, I just have to share.....their name has been left out.

Your recent comment in BDSM & Romance tore at my Heart. I know that we don't have our Life Style focus in common, but I must tell you that you are an exquisite human being; don't stop being. Diosa, provide me the benefit of any doubt and just read what my thoughts are flowing to you. Or whatever reason, I am a messenger sent to you, now. There is life after death. I don't know what your story is, but it probably has to do with a person not treasuring your vulnerability, your preciousness, and yes even your unique bitchiness. No we don't know each other. I was just checking mail and then off to sleep. And your comment struck my heart. You are better than what ever happened to you; I sense it. You, dear woman are truly, Real; and to top that off (no pun intended) you are beautiful, naturally, genuinely beautiful; womanly, sensuously, erotically gorgeous.

Again, I thank this stranger for reaching out to Me. It means so much to Me that you did.

My callused heart

This almost 2wks old.

I originally wrote this in an emotional state. Now after a few days have past, and with the help of some amazing friends and My club family, I feel compelled to come back and touch up this writing.

I know I haven't always been kind in what I have written, but it's only because I did everything from My heart. That was the old Diosa. Thanks to therapy and Amen for meds :o) I have shed My old skin, and emerging a much stronger soul.

So I guess in retrospect I have to thank all of the people who ever hurt Me. My rapist, My children fathers, those girls back in high school who use to jump Me after school for being punk rock...

I am a Phoenix, emerging once again from the ash...

A lot of changes have been made to this next part, plz read on....

Today is another new beginning....My wife left Me, divorced Me via an email. I guess I should be lucky it wasn't a text or a post it, LOL. But shocking as it may seem and contrary to My reactions in the past, I'm not heart broken, nor do I want to cut. I take My meds, and I am doing fine.

My heart has been broken soooooooooooooooo many times by her, that it now has calluses.

Thanks for f#cking Me over so many times in the past. Breaking My heart and letting Me down and always walking away when the tough got going. And now... it doesn't matter that you choose to walk away again...

This will be the LAST time I promise Myself that!!! A weight has been lifted off My shoulders. As for My heart.... It gets locked away tightly guarded, safe and untouchable.

I will gladly take My aggression out on the garden...

HFP thats what I am!!

(HFP=Happy Face People)


I was relaxing at the WBMC last night, and got to thinking about all that went down yesterday. I couldn't help think about My oldest son's dad who took his own life almost two yrs ago. Devastating My son...

This situation kinda reminds Me of that, weird I know, but I NEVER claimed to be normal. Normality is highly over rated.

I think of his dad as a coward for not having the balls to man up and be a TRUE father to his two children. Now I think of her as a coward too, for not having the balls or back bone to stay and fight for the person who loved her completely and tried to change My life and the people in it to fit her. I won't make that mistake again!!

But hey, what can I do??? I'm going to keep going to therapy, because I am really liking the person I am becoming, and stay on My meds.

So I am dusting off the dirt, and keeping My head held high. I am a hell of a woman, and an amazing Domme....slaves are a dime a dozen... I am NOT!!


Garden is looking GOOD!! :o)

Things that make Me LMAO or give Me chills

Hope you enjoy them....

[Must watch]

[Surprised even Oprah]

[Stupid belly dancer]

Biker code

I borrowed this from a friend.. Enjoy!!

It used to be that all bikers shared a common bond, an unspoken code of ethics and behavior that transcended words and was built on actions. There was never a bible written on this Biker's Code and there was no need for such. But the times are a-changin' and there seems to be a lot of new riders out there. These days the riders you see blastin' down the road are just as likely to be clad in shorts and sneakers as jeans and engineer boots. And the roughest, toughest-looking biker you pull up next to could be your doctor or lawyer and may be wearin' a Rolex watch under his leathers. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as these new riders learn the Code just as we old-timers did.

Being a biker used to be about using your creativity to take a basket case old hawg and using only grit and ingenuity, turning it into a one-of-a-kind eye dazzler, then risking your life on the asphalt on a bike you made yourself out of pride. Bikers wore leather and grease because they knew cagers would just as soon run them down as look at them, so they had to be intimidating. We were a breed unto ourselves with no union, no support group, and in many cases, no family (they threw us out). We had to make it in the world of our own, against all rules, against mainstream society, and against all odds. We survived and prospered because of the Biker Code and we never took shit from anybody. As an old scooter bro once said, "It's every tramp's job to school the young. How else are they gonna know a Panhead from a bed pan?" With that in mind, we bring you a primer on the basic two-wheeled Code.

Take heed, brothers and sisters, for our Code is a hallowed one filled with honor and loyalty, the likes of which have not been since the days of knighthood:

Don't take any shit Be kind to women, children and animals, but don't take any bullshit. This is an essential part of being a biker. It has to do with respect and honor. Anyone can be a quick-tempered fool. Be cool, stand tall and backup what you say with action.

Never lie, cheat or steal Another way of saying this is to always tell the truth. Bikers are always the greasy bad guys in the movies, but every real biker knows that his word is his bond. Your word is all you have in life that is truly yours. Guard it carefully and be something noble, for you are a true knight of the road.

Don't snitch If you see a wrong, fight it yourself, if you are about anything. You'll take care of problems yourself and never feel the need to snitch someone off. Snitches are the lowest life forms on earth, right up there with biker thieves.

Don't Whine Absolutely no one likes or respects a whiner. Another way to say this is hold your mud. Still another way to think of it is, "Don't sweat the small stuff" Most of life's little inconveniences work themselves out whether you whine or not. Keep your chin up, dammit! You're a biker, not some lowly snail..

Never say die and never give up Whether it's in a fight, a debate, or a business deal, no matter how bad it gets, a biker never gives up.

Help others When a brother or sister is broken down by the side of the road, always stop and help them. Even moral support, if that is all you can give, is better than riding on by. Remember life is about the journey, the ride, not getting there. You already are there. And don't just help bikers, show the world that we are better than our image portrays us. Courtesy costs you nothing and gives you everything.

Stick to your guns Do what you say you'll do, be there when you say you will. This is called integrity. This also goes back to standing for something. Like the song says, "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

Life is not a drill Yeah, this ain't no dress rehearsal. This is life -- go out and take big bites of it. You've got no time to lose and bikers don't stand around waiting for the party to come to them. You only go around once. Tomorrow you could be road kill, thanks to a chain smoker asleep at the wheel of his Caddy. Live life now, make the most of each moment.

All right, now let's review:

• You are a biker, a modern-day knight of the road.

• Protect the weak, walk tall and stand proud.

• Your word is your bond.

• Stick to your guns.

• Don't take any shit.

• Life is not a drill.

Now go forth and ride. When in doubt, ride. That's what we do...ride. If you want to ride around in a Day-Glo Hawaiian shirt and sandals, go for it, but if you intend to look like a idiot, at least don't act like an idiot. These commandments are just a few of the broad strokes, there is a lot more to being a biker than buying a bike. If you just buy a bike, you are a motorcyclist. Being a biker is a way of life, a proud way of life we hold in high regard with a burning passion for the open highway.

I'm alive

So damn easy to say that life's so hard

Everybody's got their share of battle scars

As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that

I'm alive, and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain

And all the dreams you set & watch go up in flames

Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain

But not for me, I'm alive

And today you know thats good enough for me

Breathing in and out is a blessing can't you see

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

And I'm alive and well

I'm alive and well

Stars are dancing on the water here tonight

It's good for the soul, and there's not a soul in sight

But this motors caught it's wind and brought me back to life

Now I'm alive and well

And today you know thats good enough for me

Breathing in and out is a blessing can't you see

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

And I'm alive and well

Yeah I'm alive and well

by Kenny Chesney

Kindred souls

While looking through My filling cabnet I found some of My old stories, and something a friend gave Me many yrs ago. Re-reading it again, I can see why I loved it and kept it for son long.. I'm not sure who the author is, but it is so beautiful I had to share.

Kindred Souls

Searching: light unfolds a new day. Harvest moon. We seek the spirit of truth and a path unseen.

Together as one magical luminescence ignites. A new found delight, a miracle, touch is electric.

Spent, safe entwined. Feeling whole and complete. Dawn brings a new era of curious longing. Finally.

The leaves fall and the autumn sun droops toward the horizon. We hold each other, oblivious. The sun sets yet we rise.

Our dreams and dark secrets exposed, laid bare, naked. Acceptance? Rejection? Compassion? Forgiveness?

Yet throughout we laugh, we love, we embrace, we share. Our lives, bizarre are they are, somehow fit.

Time moves quickly when new love is found. Energizing. Trusting. Exploring. Testing. Unfolding like an orchid blossom long dormant.

Fantasies. Oh such young love is compelling. We trust our feelings, and probe, and explore.

Latin sounds, candles, incense. New aromas and golden earrings. Forbidden adventures delighting our senses. Bliss.

Sweat mingles with sex mingles with lotions and notions. We lay spent, uncaring about the world. No repent.

Blood stories shared with each other. Children, fruit of our loins, part of us. But strangely, distant. How to cope. Yet love.

Music, art, touch, healing. Sharing and grieving. In some ways still reeling. Past hurts inflicts upon innocent lives.

Darkness arrives as the winter solstice grew near. Evil spirits Conspiring through a lock of the hair. Logic dissipates replaced by hate.

Love struck asunder with a sickening blow. Unannounced. Unwanted. Yet history repeats and demons emerge.

One years, one learns. At different frequencies and at different speeds. Cold winds blow forth a chilling prophecy.

Now entangled with history and bemused at it all. Hurtful, and sinful, and reeking of stench from past transgressions.

She pauses. contemplative, perhaps foreseeing. The road less traveled is the road of achieving. Dream, or nightmare?

We show love in different ways. Reaching out. Crying. Not understanding. Yet understanding.

Bodies pierced and skin engraved with color. A physical connection. A metaphysical force trying to connect with spirit and flesh.

Yet it goes. Was the dream prematurely ended? Was the nightmare just beginning? Winter now grows dark and quiet. Enjoying its prey.

Why do we hurt those we love? Must love be vicious? Searching, you draw near. Yet distant. Detached.

Trust departs. The essence of friendship. Of relationship. Of caring. Must we always return the hurt?

Are others hurt because we hurt inside? What does the pain in our hearts, the tears in our eyes, the longing in our souls mean?

Eyes roll back in our heads, predatory sharks ready to attack. The kill comes so quickly.

Yesterday that time moved quickly with new found joy. Excitedly, each conversation yielded new truth.

Now we fight not to hate. But the solstice is upon us. Cold. Cruel. Oblivious to the pain. The devil in his element.

You cannot let me in. You will not allow it. Violence and blood from years past rules. The victim again.

Autumnal love vanquished with hopes for a new tomorrow. The cremains are found memories. Too short, Very sweet. Budding love ripped asunder.

Remembrances, tokens of joy gone awry. A photograph, a hug, black patch on an eye. A quick glance of knowing.

Hope springs on. We love, we live, we learn. We cannot get inside so we strive to survive.

Kindred souls alight.

My first 40 yrs

My therapist suggested that I do this, in hopes that I can get back on track.

My first 40 years….

My 40th birthday has come and gone, and it has forced Me to take a long and hearty look at My life. Looking at the pics from My past photo shoot I didn’t see that girl I was hoping to see. I saw a darker version of Myself. Some one that has seen more than their fair share of sorrow and pain, despair and heartbreak.

I was raped when I was 6 by My mom’s brother, it was My testimony that put him in prison for 13 years. He’s out now and living somewhere in Kalamazoo. My mom told Me he almost died last week…. That left Me weak for more than a few moments...

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 7 years. I was verbally and physically abused in front of My children, and I never told anyone until now that he raped Me too… Breaking away as a woman with two small children under the age of 6 was difficult and scary.

Back in ’04 I suffered a terrible spinal injury that left Me in bed for 18 months, and it effects My way of life daily. I wasn’t one of the lucky ones; I didn’t have family to help Me get through it. My boys would skip school to take care of Me. I don’t know where I would be without them… My love for them is beyond words; beyond space…They are all the good parts of Me.

I’ve had My heart broken so many times… It’s hard to think that it will ever heal again; that I could trust anyone again, or let anyone in. I’ve been lied to, beaten, raped, robbed, misled, and used, shit I've even been on the end of someone's Yo-Yo. I’m having a hard time thinking there are any good people left out there.

I use to see and witness goodness everywhere.. Where did that goodness go?? I want so badly to believe that that world still exists, that those people still exists. Sadly, I cannot pretend anymore. I’m not saying it was the action of any one person, but the combined efforts of the entire world as a whole.. Some of course effected/infected Me more than others.

Remembering back, I can still see the American who was kidnapped and beheaded on camera. I can still feel the intense fear and horror that came when I was watching the news programs on 9/11. I can still feel all the heartbreak’s I’ve ever suffered as if it were all happening again. The pain is still so real; I feel it trying to consume Me. But I refuse to let that part of Me win.

I also have to admit that I am a cutter. It's been a couple months since I cut. It tugs at Me daily, just one cut-and I will be okay. I am only fooling Myself, one more cut won't help, but would instead be My undoing. I know that I can't stop with just one, I wouldn't be able to stop until My body was consumed with cuts and blood dripping down My legs and arms. I'm not that girl anymore. I have to have control over that now. I refuse to let anymore blood slip away...

I’m growing older, and with that comes the realization that the world is not such a nice place anymore, like I had thought it was when I was younger.. You withdraw a little more, become a little more cynical.. a darker, more sadistic of a thinker..a sadder person. Because the world you have been living with your entire life, isn’t the same world you woke up to this morning.

I mean really, how long it takes the average person to realize who is going to hurt them, and who is being honest. I don't know…I know that I am not the average person. So it took Me a little longer than most to see who the liars are, who the people are who want to hurt Me, the people who want to build Me up with false hope only to watch it all collapse when they took that hope away.

I refuse to be the victim anymore. I refuse to let anyone close enough to hurt Me. I refuse to be a pawn in someone’s sick and twisted game. I refuse to be hurt anymore by people who are not genuine. Who don’t care who they hurt by their words and false hope. I refuse to be lied to anymore.

I refuse to be at the end of someone's Yo-Yo, always trying to get it right. Always failing. Being on a roller coaster, with it ups and downs, twists and sharp turns is not how I choose to live My life. I refuse to let what other people think of Me, dictate My life and how I live it.

So for My 40th birthday I am doing things differently. I am done worrying about everyone elses feelings above My own. I am going to stand up and fight anyone that stands between Me and My happiness. My happiness is just as important as everyone elses. I deserve it just as much as the next person. I will find it, even if it takes Me the rest of My life.

There are a lot of people who have never taken the time to get to know Me… It’s really a shame the world has jaded Me to this point, but sadly that is how it is. Now I am evolving and becoming something darker, something more evil, something more sadistic, within Myself….

1000 Miles

I really love this song, I think I have listened to it about 50 times just today.

It's morning time, wonder where you are wonder who you're talking to wonder if the sun has risen where you are it's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin this bed's too big without you oh god, what do i do? I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.

The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car a little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter, maybe my heart's too weak there's just this feeling, thought I had to get going got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here but now i don't know how to get home. oh god, what do I do? I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Mama says take my vitamins, daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late" sister says "there's other fishes in the sea" but love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice no, love is not a rational thing oh god, what do I do? I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

these fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt she used to tell me that "life is a series of strange and mysterious things one minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down" your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around" but your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees" oh god, what do I do? I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

By Jewel


No need for regrets

For mistakes made yesterday

The past is gone

No looming fate

No uncontrollable destiny

No hunger

NO sickness

No fear

No death

Nothing ahead

Nothing behind

Just stillness



The pain W/we felt

The pain W/we may have caused others

It's behind Y/you

No looking back

No fear of what will come

Just the pulse of time



Bask in My light

Take comfort knowing I am here

Y/you will never be alone


I just heard that on one of My favorite shows and it touched Me deeply so I had to share..

My monster

Wow..... I've been waiting for this day to come since I was 7 yrs old. I am not even sure how deeply I want to let Myself go with this.

Even after yrs of therapy I still kept this part of Myself locked up in the farthest corner of My mind. My family always a constant reminder of My monster and a very terrible night many yrs ago.

Right now I have family rushing in from all over the country, for one of their siblings is on his death bed. I let out a sigh of relief.... I can't wait for him to take his last breath!! Watch him be put under 6ft of cold earth. That will be the end of him.

He took things from Me, did things to Me....that NO 6yr old should have to suffer through. Even at the worst of it, I stood tall and signed the warrant for his arrest. My testimony alone put him behind bars for 13 yrs.

HERE I AM.........33 yrs later, still strong.

There are a lot of emotions that go into this, this proclamation of anger, but out of all the emotions I will feel RELIEF will be the best one.

I will be able to walk down the street and not wonder if I am going to see you. I will be able to go visit all of My family here in town, because I will know you are not going to be there.

I won't have to worry about My children running into you and wanting to hurt you because of what you did to ME. W/we will all be safe.

So eat your last meal, say your goodbyes, and take your last breath..............

So I can take My first breath of relief in over 33 yrs.

That will be the end of you....

“The scars you acquire by exercising courage and becoming a champion will never make you inferior.” ~Claude Hamilton

Life; a poem by Me

I wrote this poem back in high school, and just ran across it again today. It very much reflects who/where I am in this long journey W/we call "Life"



As I see it now, we are living in a wasteland of despair.

Hearts are broken and hearts are mended, but nobody really seems to care.

We are mainly stepping stones for those who are around us.

For those who are weak, they know they are destined to die.

For those who are strong, and have this knowledge will survive.

My brother on Death Row

I just found out that My step brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas is going to be executed this coming May 12th. I haven't seen him since his trial 10yrs ago.

I am so fucking speechless........

WTF?? WTF?? WTF???????? I JUST WANT TO fucking SCREAM...........

I had 4 step brothers, Phil pill died at the age of 6 from Leukemia, Richie died at the age of 18 doing a B.E. in Texas, he was shot. And now Kevy (Kevin Varga) Now its just Sean and I...heaven only knows where he is. I haven't seen him in about 6yrs.

Words from My brother Kevin.....PLEASE click the link and feel what a death row inmate is feeling. How his family is feeling, his sister....Me. I so wish I could put My arms around him right now.…

Think I will just go to bed and cuddle My monkey and hope that it hurts less tomorrow. Though I know it won't, cause it means that he has one less day to breathe.

I will ALWAYS love you Kevin!!! ALWAYS!!!! In life and in death...

Forever your sister....BjH

A fatal car accident in Kalamazoo this past week

I knew him, and will be going to his funeral on Friday.…

I use to hang out with his sister Kelli, and then the his mom, and Adam moved in with My boys and I into a huge house I was buying at the time. Sadly Adam is gone, I just went through My hat box and found a few pictures of him with My boys from over 10 yrs ago, I plan on given them to his wife.

I am sending healing thoughts to his family, and wish anyone who reads this would do the same. His 20 month old daughter is still in ICU.