Torn

While browsing FetLife the other day I noticed something on My ex mentor's page, he is considering a slave....My ex wife. Maybe it's just Me, but I think thats pretty fucked up and under handed.

I don't think friends should play around with others ex. Granted him and I parted ways, but I think it is still taboo. Maybe this was all part of his plan, after all I didn't know him 'that' well. I only asked him to be My mentor for her, because they were close.

My local bdsm community is so two faced, and it makes Me sick. I use to live by one rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Makes Me wonder why I continually try to be a good person, when others are just looking for a way to FUCK Me over.

Those days are over!!

Whats wrong with Me...???

I've been in a funky mood the last few days...God I want to cut so badly, am yet to find the courage to do so. I've been laying in bed for hours crying...picking out all the things in My life that I hate. The list grows longer and longer.

Why...why, why?? God I wish I knew the answers or even the how to find the solutions that would help. I have been FORCED into a life that I can't stand. Feels like there is no escape...Not for Me anyway...is this it, am I doomed??

I know what I don't want...to be a weekend wife, a fuck buddy, the house cook...the mediator for everyone around Me. I don't want empty promises... I don't want to be used, ignored, taken for granted, or over looked.

I want to run away, I want to be somebody else. I want to lay in a bath tub full of blood. I want... I want to be important to somebody.. I want to feel loved...

I want this fucking body to not betray Me... I want to be young and active again...I want to be consumed by passion and swept off My feet by love. A love that is unconditional in every sense. Not one that tries to change you but embraces you for who you are.

I am so terrified that My life is just this...just a sad pathetic shell of what I would like it to be....I wish I could just turn off My heart....or make others see if for the true beauty that it is...

A huge part of Me just wants it all to end, no more pain, no more disappointment, no more wanting some one who doesn't want Me.... Just an end to a seemingly pointless life.

Her song...

I set out to sea
without imagining storms
how would think
if the boat was my hope
And although the tide was very strong
I never lost my strength

I gave it my best
and the time the experience has left me

I loved what I could love
enjoyment of all in abundance
I enjoy life and I've never denied anything

I'm someone who learned to live
so without mysteries
need a moment to love
and forget what I have to forget

It was better that way
I never reproach
I have a heart to face me drunk Illusion
dreams that illuminates my senses
forces to build castles

I wanted to be as
and no one controls the soul

Love as I love ...

~ A Hopi Indian Prayer~

A local friend sent this to Me....This is for My brother Kevin Scott Varga on Death row in Texas. He has until May 12th, 2010 to live, before the Texas Death Machine claims another life.

Do not stand by my grave and weep.

I am not there I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

~ A Hopi Indian Prayer~

God must be laughing at Me

God must be sitting up in heaven laughing his ass off at Me. As if things couldn't possibly get any worse....They FUCKING do!!

My 18 yr old sister was just driving down Westnedge ave, when another car ran a stop sign and smashed into her....She luckily is ok, but My moms car is totaled.

The President from My bike club during a phone conversation told Me, "things could be worse"...They certainly do get worse, but what I want to know is when the fuck are they going to start to get better??

I mean really God, how strong do you think I am?? Facing all of this alone, newly divorced, just makes the struggle to keep My head above water that much harder.

What did I ever do to piss you off that badly that feel the need to put Me through all of this?? It makes Me doubt you, God, as well as Myself.

I surrender, you win!!! Just finish the job already...I'm done!!

A song that really hits home for Me

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fpKncoeF3g

My crazy life

God where do I start...???

There is so much death and loss in My life right now, I am feeling weak and very vulnerable.

My wife just up and decided that she didn't want to stay married to Me anymore...That devastated Me so badly, I don't think, or want to ever let anyone in again. She hurt Me more than anyone one person ever has in My entire life, and yet I still love her. I love her so deeply that if it came down to her life or Mine, I'd give up Mine in a NY minute.

She is/was My true love, My best friend, My partner in crime. There's not enough duct tape or super glue in the world to put this cowgirls heart back together again.

My brother said it best in his Death Watch journal:

"I think I'm more infatuated with being in love, than the idea of love itself."

I am not a bad person, a little wild, but wild is good. I was a good wife, an excellent lover, considerate.....everything you could want in a wife, but she still walked away. I don't get it, what's wrong with Me?? Am I that unlovable??

I just found out two days ago that My brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas for the last 10yrs, has been given an execution date of May 12th, 2110. We've already buried two of our brothers, do I have to really lose another one??

I can't make it down to be with him on the 12th, I don't think I could really handle seeing them kill him. So I have decided to go to grave site where My two brothers are have a candle light vigil, and wait for his spirit to come home to us. Today My brother has 13 more days to live.

I have to say this is truly the lowest I have ever been emotionally in My life...and I am all alone. I have a couple of friends, but none live in the state. So I sit here alone crying wishing for things I know damn well I can't have...

I'm going to transfer some of My other writings over to this site... Please keep reading.