I've been in a funky mood the last few days...God I want to cut so badly, am yet to find the courage to do so. I've been laying in bed for hours crying...picking out all the things in My life that I hate. The list grows longer and longer.
Why...why, why?? God I wish I knew the answers or even the how to find the solutions that would help. I have been FORCED into a life that I can't stand. Feels like there is no escape...Not for Me anyway...is this it, am I doomed??
I know what I don't want...to be a weekend wife, a fuck buddy, the house cook...the mediator for everyone around Me. I don't want empty promises... I don't want to be used, ignored, taken for granted, or over looked.
I want to run away, I want to be somebody else. I want to lay in a bath tub full of blood. I want... I want to be important to somebody.. I want to feel loved...
I want this fucking body to not betray Me... I want to be young and active again...I want to be consumed by passion and swept off My feet by love. A love that is unconditional in every sense. Not one that tries to change you but embraces you for who you are.
I am so terrified that My life is just this...just a sad pathetic shell of what I would like it to be....I wish I could just turn off My heart....or make others see if for the true beauty that it is...
A huge part of Me just wants it all to end, no more pain, no more disappointment, no more wanting some one who doesn't want Me.... Just an end to a seemingly pointless life.
I LOVE you and I am present in your life..you have listened, comforted, consoled, advised and soothed my pain, eased my mind, dried my tears.
ReplyDeleteI will try to do the same for you.
You are loved. We make walk individually, but NEVER alone.
There is nothing wrong with you, dear. Nothing
ReplyDeleteI can only show my love, support and friendship from afar though it would be nice to be able to give you a big hug. I am here for you as you are for me.
ReplyDeletexoxxx
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