Diosa's journey

Friday, April 30, 2010

God must be laughing at Me

God must be sitting up in heaven laughing his ass off at Me. As if things couldn't possibly get any worse....They FUCKING do!!

My 18 yr old sister was just driving down Westnedge ave, when another car ran a stop sign and smashed into her....She luckily is ok, but My moms car is totaled.

The President from My bike club during a phone conversation told Me, "things could be worse"...They certainly do get worse, but what I want to know is when the fuck are they going to start to get better??

I mean really God, how strong do you think I am?? Facing all of this alone, newly divorced, just makes the struggle to keep My head above water that much harder.

What did I ever do to piss you off that badly that feel the need to put Me through all of this?? It makes Me doubt you, God, as well as Myself.

I surrender, you win!!! Just finish the job already...I'm done!!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A song that really hits home for Me

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fpKncoeF3g

My crazy life

God where do I start...???

There is so much death and loss in My life right now, I am feeling weak and very vulnerable.

My wife just up and decided that she didn't want to stay married to Me anymore...That devastated Me so badly, I don't think, or want to ever let anyone in again. She hurt Me more than anyone one person ever has in My entire life, and yet I still love her. I love her so deeply that if it came down to her life or Mine, I'd give up Mine in a NY minute.

She is/was My true love, My best friend, My partner in crime. There's not enough duct tape or super glue in the world to put this cowgirls heart back together again.

My brother said it best in his Death Watch journal:

"I think I'm more infatuated with being in love, than the idea of love itself."

I am not a bad person, a little wild, but wild is good. I was a good wife, an excellent lover, considerate.....everything you could want in a wife, but she still walked away. I don't get it, what's wrong with Me?? Am I that unlovable??

I just found out two days ago that My brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas for the last 10yrs, has been given an execution date of May 12th, 2110. We've already buried two of our brothers, do I have to really lose another one??

I can't make it down to be with him on the 12th, I don't think I could really handle seeing them kill him. So I have decided to go to grave site where My two brothers are have a candle light vigil, and wait for his spirit to come home to us. Today My brother has 13 more days to live.

I have to say this is truly the lowest I have ever been emotionally in My life...and I am all alone. I have a couple of friends, but none live in the state. So I sit here alone crying wishing for things I know damn well I can't have...

I'm going to transfer some of My other writings over to this site... Please keep reading.

My brother on death row, execution date May 12, 2010

I just found out that My step brother who has been sitting on death row in Texas is going to be executed this coming May 12th. I haven't seen him since his trial 10yrs ago.

I am so fucking speechless........

WTF?? WTF?? WTF???????? I JUST WANT TO fucking SCREAM...........

I had 4 step brothers, Phil pill died at the age of 6 from Leukemia, Richie died at the age of 18 doing a B.E. in Texas, he was shot. And now Kevy (Kevin Varga) Now its just Sean and I...heaven only knows where he is. I haven't seen him in about 6yrs.

Words from My brother Kevin.....PLEASE click the link and feel what a death row inmate is feeling. How his family is feeling, his sister....Me. I so wish I could put My arms around him right now.

http://minutesbeforesix.blogspot.com/sear…

Think I will just go to bed and cuddle My monkey and hope that it hurts less tomorrow. Though I know it won't, cause it means that he has one less day to breathe.

I will ALWAYS love you Kevin!!! ALWAYS!!!! In life and in death...

Forever your sister....BjH

An email I got on another site

Love this so much I just had to share.....

I found this email this afternoon in My in box, and it is so wonderful, I just have to share.....their name has been left out.

Your recent comment in BDSM & Romance tore at my Heart. I know that we don't have our Life Style focus in common, but I must tell you that you are an exquisite human being; don't stop being. Diosa, provide me the benefit of any doubt and just read what my thoughts are flowing to you. Or whatever reason, I am a messenger sent to you, now. There is life after death. I don't know what your story is, but it probably has to do with a person not treasuring your vulnerability, your preciousness, and yes even your unique bitchiness. No we don't know each other. I was just checking mail and then off to sleep. And your comment struck my heart. You are better than what ever happened to you; I sense it. You, dear woman are truly, Real; and to top that off (no pun intended) you are beautiful, naturally, genuinely beautiful; womanly, sensuously, erotically gorgeous.

Again, I thank this stranger for reaching out to Me. It means so much to Me that you did.

My callused heart

This almost 2wks old.

I originally wrote this in an emotional state. Now after a few days have past, and with the help of some amazing friends and My club family, I feel compelled to come back and touch up this writing.

I know I haven't always been kind in what I have written, but it's only because I did everything from My heart. That was the old Diosa. Thanks to therapy and Amen for meds :o) I have shed My old skin, and emerging a much stronger soul.

So I guess in retrospect I have to thank all of the people who ever hurt Me. My rapist, My children fathers, those girls back in high school who use to jump Me after school for being punk rock...

I am a Phoenix, emerging once again from the ash...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lot of changes have been made to this next part, plz read on....

Today is another new beginning....My wife left Me, divorced Me via an email. I guess I should be lucky it wasn't a text or a post it, LOL. But shocking as it may seem and contrary to My reactions in the past, I'm not heart broken, nor do I want to cut. I take My meds, and I am doing fine.

My heart has been broken soooooooooooooooo many times by her, that it now has calluses.

Thanks for f#cking Me over so many times in the past. Breaking My heart and letting Me down and always walking away when the tough got going. And now... it doesn't matter that you choose to walk away again...

This will be the LAST time I promise Myself that!!! A weight has been lifted off My shoulders. As for My heart.... It gets locked away tightly guarded, safe and untouchable.

I will gladly take My aggression out on the garden...

HFP thats what I am!!

(HFP=Happy Face People)

UPDATE:

I was relaxing at the WBMC last night, and got to thinking about all that went down yesterday. I couldn't help think about My oldest son's dad who took his own life almost two yrs ago. Devastating My son...

This situation kinda reminds Me of that, weird I know, but I NEVER claimed to be normal. Normality is highly over rated.

I think of his dad as a coward for not having the balls to man up and be a TRUE father to his two children. Now I think of her as a coward too, for not having the balls or back bone to stay and fight for the person who loved her completely and tried to change My life and the people in it to fit her. I won't make that mistake again!!

But hey, what can I do??? I'm going to keep going to therapy, because I am really liking the person I am becoming, and stay on My meds.

So I am dusting off the dirt, and keeping My head held high. I am a hell of a woman, and an amazing Domme....slaves are a dime a dozen... I am NOT!!

UPDATE:

Garden is looking GOOD!! :o)